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Lorenzo von Matterhorn
From Lorenzopedia, the free encyclopedia

Lorenzo Von Matterhorn was born somewhere in Switzerland in the spring of 1974. The exact date and circumstances of his birth are unknown since he was immediately placed in a basket and tossed in a river.

Young Lorenzo rode the pristine Alpine glacial melt waters for hundreds of miles before a young Milanese woman discovered the basket along the banks of the river Po. Some say it was this first early journey to Milan that fueled his love for both exploration and fashion. The woman would raise Lorenzo as her own, naming him Lorenzo after her father and giving him the surname Von Matterhorn to reflect his Swiss heritage as well as his uncommonly large penis.

Early Life

Shortly after his family moved to New York City in the late 70's, Lorenzo began rescuing stray puppies and other cute animals. As someone who had been abandoned himself, Lorenzo recognized both the pain of loneliness as well as the power of hope.

One evening, while nursing a particularly cute Cocker Spaniel back to health, Lorenzo noticed the rest of his brood howling in unison. Curious as to their abilities, he spent the next several months developing their voices and then entered them as a musical act in a local festival under the name DOG STEVENS. They took first place, and went on to become one of the most successful animal musical acts since The Beatles.


Von Matterhorn Industries International Unlimited Global Inc.

Lorenzo Von Matterhorn, accomplished Jai Alai champion and beloved opera singer, founded VMIIUGI in 1997, with one simple mission statement: to apply the values of synergy and human capital to business ventures and other fiduciary instruments as guidelines of the building blocks of corporate foundation as per ventures incorporated and such as.

Now a huge multi-national corporation, VMIIUGI is so big it's like maybe Von Matterhorn is a bad guy from a James Bond movie, except he's totally sweet and all of his body parts work normally. (Some of them above average. What up.) But he's not a bad guy. I mean, he's a little bad, drives a motorcycle, that kind of thing, but just the right amount of bad where he's not boring and maybe the right girl could turn him into a real catch. Boyfriend material, if we're being honest. But she'd have to be something really special. Like 36C at least.

Von Matterhorn is an industry leader in the manufacture of cute shoes, walk-in closets, chocolate, ponies, chocolate ponies, and female orgasms.


While financing a scientific study on cloud-seeding to alleviate drought in various poor countries, Lorenzo fell in love... with ballooning. He has now ballooned across every continent and hopes to balloon around the world for charity.

Battle with Phallumegaly

At an early age, Lorenzo was diagnosed with phallumegaly, or bigness of penis disorder. As a result of his illness, Lorenzo's sense of balance frequently shifts, causing short-term memory loss. Lorenzo has been known to walk away from situations and not call again, and shouldn't be held accountable when he does.

Tired of ordering custom underwear and furniture, Lorenzo has pursued penis reduction surgery a number of times only to be told it's too risky.